My commute to work in the morning is about 20 minutes. It is just enough time for my mind to wander while I listen to whatever Pandora station I’m in the mood for that morning. This morning, while listening to some awesome soul music by NEEDTOBREATHE, my mind wandered to my husband. We had a tough night last night. Our second blessing, Rosie, had 103 fever yesterday afternoon. I’m crediting this fever spike to the two red, swollen buds on her top gums. Poor kid. She’s congested too – so she can’t breathe and her mouth is throbbing in pain.
Anyway, back to my husband… so, I am constantly asked “How do you do it? How do you manage work, home and twin babies?”. No matter how many times I am prompted by this question, I still feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach. The initial thoughts that cross my mind are, “What do they mean? How do I answer that?”. I’ll be honest, what my house has experienced since October 1, 2012 (conception) has been a difficult. I am a short woman with a short waist that carried over 12 pounds of baby. These babies then brought an entirely different dynamic to our house (like most new babies do) which caused us to switch gears and learn how to manage a house of five instead of a house of 3 – overnight.
Of all of the crazy twin questions I get asked, “How do you do it?” is my least favorite. Mainly because it implies that I am some sort of heroine in my crazy life story. Why don’t they ask “How do we do it?”.
I’m a pretty analytic person, so of course I’ve spent some time (probably too much time) pondering the psychology behind this question. I’ve come to realize that I’m an extraordinarily lucky woman. See, I don’t do anything by myself. There are times I feel I put too much on my plate responsibility wise (I am still a woman – and women like me do these things to ourselves. Its in our nature).
I am never alone in anything I do.
I have a partnership with this man who was crazy enough to spend the rest of his life with me. Responsibilities are shared. Personal weaknesses are made up by the other person’s strengths. I do not do more than he does and he does not do more than I do. He is not above changing more diapers than me or washing pump parts in the middle of the night. He does not complain. He is tired. He is just as tired and worn out as I am. And he did not carry two babies at the same time to term.
I’ve never thought of my husband as being extraordinary. Mainly because he has made me believe that all men in the world are like he is.
Did I mention that he does not complain?
So my answer to the dreaded question that hits the pit of my stomach when asked “How do you do it?” – Well, we don’t think about it because we don’t have any time to think about how much it may suck to wake up in the middle of the night – twice – every night for 9 months.
We wake up everyday and power through. At the end of the day we collapse into our sheets after putting our oldest to bed and give thanks to the Big Man upstairs for trusting us with so many blessings. We look at each other and know that these tough times will pass and the fruits of our labor (legitimate labor) will be so abundant in our future.
I love my partner. I trust him with my life. I trust that he will always be by my side fighting the trials that life throws our way.
Now, I am going to bring up something controversial. No matter your thoughts on Sheryl Sandberg and her “Lean In” movement – her opinions on relationships/marriages are so parallel with mine. I think personalities like mine have a hard time letting go of responsibilities and control. This can lead to problems in a marriage with so much going on in the background and behind closed doors of homes. In order to “make it” or “survive”, there must be a shared burden of responsibilities.
My spouse is TERRIBLE at most domestic responsibilities. But, that does not mean he is not capable of getting them done!
A good parent doesn’t allow their young children to say they can’t do something without trying first. Why would you have the same expectations for your adult spouse?
I am still learning to give up some of the burden of house and allow him and trust him that he will get it done. He may not do it the way I think it should be done and it may take him twice as long to do it – wait, scratch that, it WILL take him twice as long to do things as I would take – but at the end of the day, he does it. And I don’t have to do it.
A day only gives us 24 hours. The amount of work required to run our house requires more than one person is capable of giving. If you try to do it all, you will fail. Give the spouse in your life a chance to learn and take some of the burden off of you. They may surprise you!
So, if you ever happen to run into a multi-tasking mother or father and you are curious of how they do it – be sure to ask them “How do y’all manage?”. Because behind every Wonder-Parent, there is a Wonder-Supporter. No one manages it all alone.
Happy Thursday – now, go hug a parent!